Welcome to Planet Proctor

By on July 2, 2015
CoverIntroducing a weekly Night Flight Newsletter from an original J-Man himself, Phil Proctor. Phil is an actor, voice actor and member of the Firesign Theatre and what follows is a snapshot of his experiences and reflections.


“I am a lie that always tells the truth.” ~ Jean Cocteau

The last few months have been marked by loss, and I’m doing my best to stay optimistic. First off, our cars were burgled here on our previously crime-free street by a woman and two male accomplices, and then to compound things, they found a hidden key and were able to rob the Firesign Theatre storage space, stealing books of my original collages, signed posters, costumes, irreplaceable Proctor & Bergman touring books and much more valuable memorabilia. For a list, GO HERE.

Now, thanks to a Facebook friend, the LAPD were able to arrest a suspect in a sting operation who’d been fencing vintage posters and handbills on Craig’s List; but a lot is still out there, so if you see anything suspicious for sale, contact our archivist Taylor Jessen at ironybread@earthlink.net or 818.238-4661.

Happily this will not adversely affect any of Firesign’s upcoming archival releases, including a DVD reissue of Everything You Know Is Wrong.  But it hurts nonetheless.

“If you steal, do not steal too much. You may be arrested. Steal slowly, little by little.” ~ Mobutu Sese Seko



But the worst blow of all was the unexpected death of my beloved partner and longtime friend, Phil Austin, from heart failure last Friday morning at his home on Fox Island, Washington, after a protracted bout with cancer.

He was the sharpest, deepest, funniest and most seriously surrealistic writer I have ever known – and a hell of an actor to boot. Our friendship deepened over the years, and both Melinda and I grew to love him as unconditionally as his six dogs, which were by his side when he passed.

The loss is incalculable, and we will miss him greatly; but in keeping with his wishes, there will be no public memorial. Donations can be made to The Humane Society and I will be dedicating the next orbit to him and his inseparable wife of 44 years, Oona.


Rest in peace, Regnad Kcin.

“Serious actor with the capacity to be funny.

All races all sizes…” ~ Casting Call


“Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in a text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without your knowing.

“The truth is that day and night I have been sharing your wife when you’re not around – in fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me, and I promise that it won’t happen again.”

Bob immediately grabbed his gun, went next door and shot the neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone and saw he had another message from his neighbor.

“Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo in my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed my autocorrect changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife.’ Technology hey!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.”

Before Pearl Harbor, Navy Command was called CINCUS (sink us), the Army’s Infantry shoulder patch was a swastika and Hitler’s train was named Amerika.

~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


Americans killed annually: By Marijuana overdoses, none; by Ebola, 1; snakebites, 2; ISIS, 3; drones, 5; football, 12; cow attacks, 20; bee stings, 100; and police, 1,100.

But who’s counting…

Texting kills 6,000 annually and hippos 2,900. Falling out of bed kills 450 while falling icicles in Russia kill more than 100 each year. Swing sets kill about 20, while falling vending machines kill an average of 13. And, pencils are the weapon of choice in around 100 murders a year.

Pencils down, folks…

“I’d rather have real arrogance than false humility.”

~ Joni Mitchell

PLANET CLICK: Links to my latest online humor and Internet curiosities. Click the word and be gone!





“A laugh without reason is a sign of stupidity.” ~ Popular Russian proverb

BEARWHIZ BEER  http://www.eagletshirts.com

FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com

FST: http://www.FiresignTheatre.com

PLANET PROCTOR  © Phil Proctor 2015

About Phil Proctor

Phil was born of Amish/Irish ancestry in Goshen, Indiana and his God-given musical and linguistic talents (he speaks 7 languages) have taken him from Broadway, where he appeared in The Sound of Music and A Time for Singing, and Off-Broadway and L.A. in The Amorous Flea, across the U.S. and Canada, to Europe, and even to the former Soviet Union with the legendary Yale Russian Chorus. He started as a child actor on live television in New York and went on to win a Theatre World award, be cited as Best Actor by the LA Free Press for John Guare’s Muzeeka at the Mark Taper Forum, receive 3 Grammy nominations with The Firesign Theatre and sharing 3 daytime Emmies for voicing Howard DeVille on Rugrats, with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, as well as receiving several Academy Awards for his participation in the animé Spirited Away as well as many Disney and Pixar movies. Besides being the announcer on the reality show Big Brother for 3 seasons, he’s supplied voices for countless commercials, interactive games, including the evil Dr. Vidic in Assassin’s Creed, and audio books such as L. Ron Hubbard’s Golden Age of Pulp Fiction series for Galaxy Press. You can also hear him regularly as Detective Polehaus on the long-running radio show Adventures in Odyssey. He is most widely recognized as the drunken French Monkey in Eddie Murphy’s Dr. Dolittle series, Seahorse Bob in Finding Nemo, Charlie in Monsters, Inc., and you’ll hear him next in Pixar’s Inside Out and The Good Dinosaur. With the Firesign Theatre 4-man group -- listed as one of the “Thirty Greatest Acts of All Time” by Entertainment Magazine -- he’s appeared for almost a half-a-century on LPs, CDs, DVDs and on stage, TV and screen in Zachariah, God’s Clowns, Everything You Know is Wrong, Hot Shorts, The Madhouse of Dr. Fear with Don Adams, and as Proctor & Bergman in their overdubbed Republic cliffhanger cult hit, J-Men Forever. This year, he expects to launch his memoir, Where’s My Fortune Cookie, co-authored by Brad Schreiber, as he approaches his 65th year in Show Business. Stay tuned: http://planetproctor.com