“No Fatties, No Hamsters”: 80s Men Looking For “The Goddess”

By on May 13, 2015

Dating has never been easy, but apparently, back in 1987, some men were so desperate to find the “goddess” or “damsel in distress” that they paid a company called Video Mate to make a videotape profile tape to be viewed… er, well… people watched these tapes somewhere, maybe in the Valley, here in Los Angeles.

Yes, this clip has been floating around the internet now for years, but if you haven’t seen it yet, it’ll be new to you. We’re not 100% sure of the source, but one of the clips said this: “We cut together our favorite parts from a 1987 dating service video given to us by David Cross. Check out the full version at the Found Footage Festival, coming soon to your city.” Go here.

The focus here seems to be men who are “looking for fun.” Most of the men mention what they like and don’t like, and some even say “hi” to their moms… which is weird, right?

We felt a little bit like Miles in Woody Allen’s Sleeper watching this — remember, after he’s thawed out, 200 years later, he’s asked by the scientists to look at artifacts from another time to help them identify what they were. In this particular case, we’re talking about the 80s, which more and more seems like some kind of strange, lost decade, doesn’t it? Did men really make these videos and say these things? Apparently they did.

“Life is a playground, and I’m looking for somebody to play with…”

“Hi, I’m Maurice, I’m an executive by day, and a wild man by night…I’m not afraid to get sand on my tuxedo if you’re not afraid to mess your hair up a little when I take the top down…”

“Hi, my name’s Mike, and if you’re sitting there watching this video, smoking your cigarette, then hit the fast forward button, ’cause I don’t smoke and I don’t like people who do smoke…”

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“I’m looking for the goddess. Are you the goddess? Who’s the goddess? The goddess is the woman, is a woman, is any woman, is all women…”

A few years back, Ellen DeGeneres’s staff found three of the men from this clip — Big Phil, Maurice and the smoke-free Mike — and invited them on to her daytime talk show, “Ellen,” for a short catch-up segment. We really wish she’d found that Breakfast Club dude, the one that was lookin’ for his goddess… where is he today?

See more here!

About Bryan Thomas

Bryan Thomas has been a freelancing writer/critic for All Music Guide, and a contributor to Launch, Music Connection, Big Takeover and numerous other publications and entertainment websites, blogs and zines, most of them long gone. He's written more than sixty sets of liner notes. He’s also worked for over twenty years at mostly reissue record labels -- prior to that he worked in bookstores and record stores, going all the way back to the original vinyl daze. He lives in the Miracle Mile neighborhood of Los Angeles, CA.